FMLA: Forgive My Lazy Activity

I’m sitting here staring at the front page of my blog.  I still have so much work to do - and I keep adding things to the to do list (as do others who are critiquing the site’s progress, thank you very much) but I can’t seem to get much accomplished.  I want the site to be complete but having redone it now, I’ve lost the motivation.  I want to be able to blog as I wish and be done with it, but not have to do all the setup I still have to do. 

Lazy.  I feel lazy.  I’m not (though I know a lot of people would love to put that statement on the debate table) but I feel lazy.  The past couple years my energy and motivation levels have diminished gradually til it’s gotten to the point of almost non-existent where it is now.  This is one of the problems I had with being diagnosed.  It always seems like after someone is diagnosed with something the great decline happens all in one day and they are all the sudden sick.  Now, I know everyone declines when a disease process is going on - but I almost feel like if I hadn’t been diagnosed I would be 4 notches above where I am now.

I am starting to get the motivation back, which, the lack of motivation I always blamed on the creeping depression I was dealing with.  But the energy is still a HUGE issue for me.  Huge.  I get little bursts of energy - one minute I think I could actually go out running or hiking then 15 minutes later I am on the couch or lying in bed with not enough energy to even turn over or move to get comfortable.

I did come home from work early today.  This was the first time since I was diagnosed.  I have left work for chemo treatments and for doctor appointments, but not because I haven’t felt good.  I generally feel like crap or out of energy, but it’s nothing new and I just deal with it.  Today I took a stand.  Barring doctor appointments, surgeries and chemo I work 47.5 hours a week.  This does not include after hours on-call which is a rotating schedule - one week is two days, the next is 5 days.  The weekends I am on-call, I am on from Friday at 5pm til Monday morning at 8, when I walk into the office to work.  Yeah, I know what you’re saying - a lot of people have to do on-call, what’s the big deal?  Well, the only big deal is I’m tired with no energy, but for very good reason - I’m sick.  There, I said it.  I have been trying to keep myself from saying it too much, but I am tired of people trying to get me to act like I’m not sick.  Not like I’m trying to pull the ”sick-card” on anyone - but dammit, I am sick.  I am expected at work to “pretend” I’m not sick, look sick, act sick or feel sick.  Well, Jesus…I AM!  I am sorry I am not completely up to par - I am trying.  That goes for y’all on the homefront too.  This is hard for me.

The only reason I decided it was ok to come home today since I wasn’t feeling well is because I am half-way protected with my FMLA.  I have, again, only used my intermittent FMLA time for my appointments - well and there was the week my doctor took me off work due to the constipation (hahaha, still have to tell you that story) - but aside from that I don’t use any FMLA.  Why?  Because I am a dedicated worker, and even if I am not up to par, I still try to be at work and attempt to do my job.  So yes, today I decided to take my stand and to use the benefit that is given to me.  FMLA.  But in the meantime, you MUST Forgive My Lazy Activity.