The Best I’ve Felt In Months.

It’s a race between my fingers and my Temazepam.  I took it only seconds before I started typing this post.  Hopefully I wil get out all I have to say before it knocks me out.  I have a lot of info to cover, I think - and don’t necessarily have a specific direction this post should go, other than the fact I know I was going to update you all on everything going on right now. I have this massive cloud of things hovering with all the topics I need to try to remember to cover - so we’ll see how it goes.

I stopped taking my chemo meds last Friday.  It felt so liberating!  For those who don’t know, I have chemo for 14 days straight.  One days 1 and 8 I go into the cancer center for IV infusions of 2 of my chemo meds, and throughout the entire 14 days, I take the other 2 chemo pills by mouth.  The two oral meds are Procarbazine - which comses with strict diet restrictions and Prednisone which is a horrible, nasty, terrible, evil, vile medication.  Last Friday was day 14 and I took my last dose with extreme happiness.  (Wow - I know the Temazepam can’t be kicking in already, but I just got REAL tired…Let me try to hurry.)  I don’t have to do chemo again until August 1, so I’m overly ecstatic about the break.

The chemo REALLY messed me up this time.  From sever water retention (I look like a frickin hamster) to extreme chemobrain.  If I had to have gone any longer on the chemo, I don’t think I would have been able to function.  Literally.  My memory was completely shot, I became extremely confused, at times disoriented and on the verge of psychotic.  I don’t say that as an overstatement or exageration.  My moods were all over the place - I would go from manic to depressed in a matter of minutes and no in between.  I would also fly off the handle easily at the smallest things.  They say that most of those are side effects of the Prednisone, hence my ever-so-colorful description of it a few sentences ago.

I know that this is TOTALLY the wrong time to worry about this - but this weight gain has really gotten to me,  A few years ago, I was upwards of 250 lbs.  I was able to lose most of it, bringing me down to about 170, and then the Hodgkin’s took care of the rest, bringing me down to my lowest of 122 by the end of May.  Since, being on the Prednisone, I am floating between 140 and 150 at any given moment.  And that any given moment can be anytime during the day, where I fluctuate between a good 10 lbs between morning and night.  Prednisone is infamous for water weight, but I am REALLY not liking this at all.  I know, I should be thankful the chemo is working.  Yes, I know that right now, being heavier is probably healthier than being skinny.  Yes, I know that I looked “sick” when I was skinny.  Yes, I know that I need to be heavier than not right now.  And finally, YES, I know, I shouldn’t be worrying about any of this, but I am.  I have actually started to become somewhat obsessed about it.  I weigh myself probably close to 15-20 (seriously) times a day and am actually starting to think of dieting.  I know.  Stupid.  But I cannot be big again, and even though 140 - 150 is still not “fat”, I feel fat.  I feel like I look fat.  I feel frumpy, and I need to do something about it.  I am going to give my water pills a couple more days to work, and if I don’t get down to at least 130, I’m taking action.  I fear for that moment, because I know it’s not the smartest thing to do.

So…changing topics.  I have decided to get back into my photography.  I have this guy (Duane) to thank for it.  Getting close to a year ago, I bought a new camera in order to get back in touch with my favorite “hobby”.  I was pretty much raised a photographer, and studied photography at a school for the arts for 6 years.  But shortly becoming sick after that, I haven’t had the time, inclination, motivation or will to go on any shoots.  Photography was a huge release for me.  It’s that quiet solitude in which I can see the world through whatever perspective I wanted, and in the end, share with the world exactly what I saw, and knew at that moment they were looking at exactly what I wanted or needed them to see in whichever way I wanted.  It was in that moment, they saw the world as I did.  And it was healing.  I miss that.  I am starting to feel much better now and am going to dedicate time to shooting.  Duane has some awesome shots, look at his website.  But the best part about it is that he is a Hodgkin’s survivor and is passionate about his work.  I commend him for expressing himself through his work and putting so much of himself into it and not losing touch with his work throughout his sickness.  He really is an inspiration to me at this point!

There are also a few people I need to take a minute out to thank.  A few weeks ago I stumbled upon the website of Ron C.  He is a very selfless man that takes time out of his schedule and does “Hikes for Discovery” for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  He does fundraising to donate to the Society and Hikes in the honor of others…Of us, that have been diagnosed with blood cancers.  Last Saturday he and a few others actually hiked in my honor, along with other people.  This was an amazing feeling to have someone honor me as they work hard for such a noteworthy cause.  I have talked to him a couple times through email, and I explained to him that I am ashamed that before my diagnosis, I didn’t take the time or the effort to support a cause.  It is only through the support of people like him that make a difference in the lives of others at times that they are in need.  Right now I am in need of a cure, and without people like Ron, that could never be achieved.  I told Ron that I am eager to be better and get well enough, so that one day, I will be well enough to hike in the honor of others, and to make a difference in the lives of others.  I also need to thank Trisha Benda and Charu, who were there Saturday with Ron and joined him in hiking in my honor.  They stopped by my site and left some very nice comments.  Thank you to those 3 and everyone from Hike For Discovery Seattle for all your thoughts and support!

I can’t think of anything else lingering to talk about at the moment.  I am still wanting to do a video post, but that will probably come around my next chemo treatment.  Other than the things I mentioned, everything seems to be going well.  Today is the best I have felt for months.  I even told a couple people that I didn’t even feel like “I have cancer sick”.  Granted, I had taken an oxy or 2 throughout the day to control my raging headache that I have had for 2 days, but other than that I felt great.  I hope the trend continues.  The Temazepam is also starting to hit.  I am getting a bit sleepy.  I will update more as I get closer to my next treatment, and hey, might even have some photos to post in the meantime.  Until then, adios, my fine-feathered friends.  I hope the world treats you well.