I’m not angry, I’m just on Prednisone. (Mad Rant)
August 11, 2008
Maybe this post will help me chill out a little bit. I am on day… (counting..) 11 of my 14 day chemo treatment, and I’m just grrrr. I am so angry right now, and for no reason. I’m fat. I just weighed myself at 161. My feet look like little blowfish, my pants won’t fit, my neck is sweating, I’m hungry but can’t taste anything. I’m hungry but nothing sounds good because my stomach is so stressed out - bloating, indigestion, upset stomach, etc. NOTHING sounds good. The only thing that hasn’t upset my stomach in the past 3 days are fried egg sandwhiches, so I’m stuck with that. Not that I need to be eating anyhow.
It was an absolute Monday at work - and still is, I’m on-call. Yay. My kids’ start school tomorrow, I haven’t chosen what I am going to do for childcare yet. I have about 12 hrs to figure it out. My stomach. My stomach. My stomach. I ate a Big Mac today. Tasted like bland olives. I ate french fries today, with ketchup. Tasted like bland olives. Just had a sip of Coke to wash down a bite of my fried egg sandwhich, both of which (bet you can’t guess…yup!) tastes like bland olives.
I am hot. Good Lord. The air is down to 60, and I’m still sweating. My kids have ruined my bedroom. there are piles of clean laundry - on the floor. There are piles of dirty laundry - on the floor. It’s amazing the several piles have seemed to remain separate. There is a barbie case on my bed. The seat to my computer chair is soaked entirely with water, as well as the floor beneath, a good 12″ circle at least. Nope, not cleaned up, just sitting there soaked like it has been the past hour and a half.
I am mad and have no one to be mad at. Nothing to be mad at. Too close to bedtime to take my lorazepam, because if I do, I can’t take my temzepam to sleep and then tomorrow will be even more fun. I’m not in a bad mood, just filled with rage.
And at the end of all this, I have to remember - take a deep breath, breathe, because I am still alive. This is all worth it, and the end is way more greater than the means. (…or some other uplifting crap.)
You absolutely look like you want to kick someones ass. lol. You can come to work with me and beat a few of my customers up if you want
Geez, I should…. I get so angry, my employees think I’m psychotic!
You found me on twitter. I am glad to read your story. I have gone through 2 occurances–stage 1 and 4. Glad to see you venting, ranting, and fully experiencing your life through treatment. It is not always easy, but it will make you appreciate things in life from a very unique vantage point. My blog was about my life during treatment, then graduate school, and it conitues to be about my life. I have cancer free now for six years. Be well, stay positive.