Ants

So, I feel like I have completely abandoned everyone. I probably haven’t, it just seems like I have lost all contact with everything web. But the surprising thing is I have been on it nonstop. I have been trying to do a lot of maintenance to this site. Two months later, and I still don’t have it looking good or right. I have also building another website for myself and I built one for Terrence. I have also been spending all my time in bed, thank God for the laptop.

I almost wish I had Chemobrain again. When I had chemobrain I wasn’t feeling like I did this go around. I always feel like crap for complaining too, because I really do have it easier, I guess, then most people that endure cancer and chemo. But I still have side-effects and problems. But then I run into that mental moral dilemma about how I shouldn’t be complaining, or even thinking about anything I am feeling or going through because other people have it so much worse off. Sometimes I even feel guilty for tell all of you about what I’m going through here, because I shouldn’t be bringing attention to my “simple case”.

I’m guessing what was neuropathy was terrible. I mentioned in my last post that I thought it would have gone away by Sunday night, but it is still here and flaring up bigger than ever. I don’t have what I would necessarily call pain, but it hurts.  I was talking to Terrence earlier tonight, and trying to describe to him that, the inside core of my feet and hands feel numb, and then the outer layer, like, on the top of my skin, feels like an ever revolving layer of ants.  Ants that are biting and tingling and crawling and moving around my extremities in waves.  And then, the whole extremity has an aura of heat and pain, like a dull throbbing.  (At least it’s not stabbing and shooting pain like a couple days ago!)  My 3rd and 4th fingers on my right hand are completely numb at the tip.  I have also been having skin pain on my upper outer arms.  Weird.

I was so looking forward to last Friday being Day 14.  I gathered the girls and my mom around to have a big “hoorah” as I took my last chemo pills for 2 weeks.  Yeah, that was anticlimatic as can be.  I swallowed them then though, “Well, um…ok?”.  All day yesterday, I waited for the moment to come where I realized there was some big revelation because I hadn’t taken my pills in however many hours, and then awoke this morning hoping for the same big moment.  It never came.  I’m sitting here now, propped up in bed, writing this on my laptop, thinking, “Hmm.  Ok.”.  So, now I have 12 days, and I’m just going to start it all over again.  Nothing exciting there.  The last time I got to stop my pills I was way more excited, and the weekend seemed to go so much better.  This weekend I am still tired, and can’t sleep, still having problems with my arms and feet and the Prednisone-Bitchiness is lingering.

All I did yesterday was scream.  At the girls, at my mom, at whomever else decided to come my way.  Terrence stopped by a couple times, he managed to escape the wrath.  What makes him so lucky?  He didn’t say much, maybe that’s what it was.  And the fact that I was trying to explain some webstuff to him.  Maybe he just did a good job at keeping me occupied in the short amount of time he was here each time.  And the second time he stopped by was to show me the trophy he had one - he won the Mr. Rugby Award with his rugby club.  It was his moment, I couldn’t yell at him while he was here!  (BTW, Congrats, Terrence!)

But yeah, I was on the rampage yesterday.  I can’t even say if my argument was justified or not.  It was so stupid that I don’t even remember what I was raging about.  Today the screaming has stopped, thank God.  But I have still been moody.  Moody is ok.  Moody is just me being irritable, I can generally handle that.  It’s the fits and the rage that get to me…  And everyone else.

I have my labs tomorrow, because I had to reschedule them on Friday because my co-worker wasn’t in the office, so I had to stay there.  I will update if anything exciting or important, but I anticipate them being within the normal limits.  I also have my PET-CT Scan this Friday on the 22nd.  We will see how that goes.  I’m crossing my fingers.  I’m not looking foward to the nasty 2 huge JUGS of barium I have to drink, but the PET will be a very good thing to have at this point to gauge my progress.  I haven’t had one since May 12.

Today I managed to scrounge up 8 neighborhood kids to hang out at my house.  Trust me, it wasn’t an intentional thing.  Eight additional kids to my two.  Yes, do the math, that made 10.  They were all actually quite good though.  Didn’t trash my house, no fighting.  They all got along pretty good.  I think it was a nice change of pace for my girls.  Number 1, being the center of attention, of course, and getting to show off their hostessing skills, but also just a change in the home environment.  I escaped to my room for the very long 2 hours, but I have to say for the most part, I am very proud of ALL of the kids, mine as well as the neighborhood kids.  We really do have some good kids around here.  I managed to bug them long enough to grab a picture.  I hope that my kids are able to look upon it fondly in the future and remember this moment.  The kids they would “hang” with.  The kids they would “kick it” with.  The kids that were their friends.

So, I think that is enough stuff to bore you with now.  I did take another video of me trembling and tremoring.  You can see it below.  I took it Saturday morning about 6am.  About 8 hours post-last-chemo-dose.  And no, the tremors are not exaggerated.  Anyhow.  Enjoy.  Until next time - be good.