Bigger, Better and Fatter Than Ever.

Wow, so it’s been awhile.  I have somewhat fallen out of touch with everything.  Real life and Internet life.  I spend most of my time in my room.  It’s rare I come out anymore.  I’m just so tired and worn out and feel like crap most of the time.  The chemo thing hasn’t been too bad for the most part, I guess.  But ugh.  It’s just getting hard.  Harder and harder.  But yet, I’m getting closer and closer.  Closer than all of you had been previously informed.  Will talk about that more in a bit.

So, updates:

• I got my 2nd opinion.  I will write about that on another post.
• I am on my 6th day of chemo this round.  I owe you two Chemo Chronicles now.
• I have gotten it in my head that I am going to make it rich on the Internet, and have my own Internet business.  Based on this plan, I aim to be able to quit my job within a year.  (I think it’s the chemobrain.  I can know this is stupid thinking, but somehow it makes sense…)

There is so much to write about.  I haven’t updated in so long.  Even Terrence told me that I have become a slacker and that I haven’t done anything on here.  (And he says he doesn’t read my site.  He reads it more than he lets on - which kinda makes me happy in some ways.)

So, I will just start you at my appointment with Dr. Clark last Friday.  He “officially” gave me my PET/CT results.  I got nothing printed, and nothing to read.  But he said that it was looking “much” better.  I asked if it was looking where he wanted it - he just said “much better”.  Ok, then.

He redosed me on my chemo meds.  Yup, the procarbazine….Aaaaaaaaaaand… *drum roll please* the prednisone.  Sigh.  He raised me from 3 procarbazine/day to 3 one day and 4 the next.  (Nice, give the chick with chemobrain a mixed dose like that and expect her to follow it.  Right.)  Yes, I made a chart that has the date, the day, and what dose I’m supposed to take.  (Hey, T, see, I already made one chart of my chemo, want me to Xerox it for you so you can keep track too?!  :P)

And the prednisone.  He took me from 60 mg/day to 70mg/day.  I guess that’s not too bad, but seeing as how 60 is supposedly a lot in the first place.  I told my mom as soon as I found out the new dosage.  She replied, “Does Dr. Clark have a death wish on his head or what?!”.  Yeah, I got pretty damned unbearable there.  I think that is what ultimately led to my bedroom-seclusion.  I was sick of yelling at everyone all the time, and sick of being a biotch so here I am in my bedroom, and it’s kinda stuck I guess.  I came out last Thursday night for about an hour when Terrence came over.  I came out last night to make and eat dinner, and I came out to eat dinner tonight (about 10 minutes), then promptly back in my room.  I can’t full you though, this weekend I wasn’t home that much, but had I been, I assure you - I would have been in my room.

This weekend after chemo I was actually doing quite well.  Friday night went well, I think.  (I’m trying to remember exactly.)  I felt okay.  Saturday though…Oh, Saturday.  I went to the flea market early in the morning.  We left about 7 or 7:30 I think.  We were out for about 4-5 hours.  I actually held up okay.  Near the end I was quite worn out, and I took a decent nap.

Then Sunday.  (God, I don’t know what’s up with me lately - I’m just not in a “smart” frame of mind I guess.)  Sunday we decided to travel to Cuba, New Mexico.  I have only seen from a little south of Albuquerque up to the outer rim of Santa Fe.  I have lived here 3 and a half years now and I have only traveled in a radius of about 100 miles (north and south).  How pathetic.  So, yeah.  I decided this would be a GOOD idea to travel.  It actually wasn’t as bad as it could have been, a blessing in disguise probably.  We got up to Cuba and went on the back roads through the mountains.  ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.  Ok, so yeah.  The back roads through the mountains that aren’t even paved, just packed dirt because they have been traveled too much.  Well, it was pouring, we got rained out.  So, after about an hour of trying we decided to head back into town.  We decided that since we were headed back torward Albuquerque that we would try to stop by Jemez.  That is supposed to be beautiful too, I’ve wanted to go since I moved here.  The rain eased up a little, so we thought we’d give it a shot.  We turned off the main state road and took a road that runs through the Jemez Reservation.  And, of course, it starts pouring again.

I had to say goodbye to the hopes of fishing and relaxing, enjoying the beautiful mountain air and sitting and reading my 500 Inc. magazine under a nice shady tree.  It’s frickin New Mexico.  The one day out of the year it rains is the day I actually get to travel.  Figures.

I came home from that, passed out of course from the 7 hours in the car (whew!) and have been in my room since, except for work, of course, and the dinner events I mentioned earlier.

So, since I managed to weave my way through Tangent City and back twice, back to the doctor’s appointment.  My original treatment plan was to be on chemo until December or January.  Well, kids, it looks like I have until next Friday, have my two weeks off then start my last 14 days.  Hallelujiah!  Yup, that’s what he thinks.  He thinks one more cycle after this.  (Remember, 1 cycle is 14 days, with injections on days 1 and 8 and oral chemo meds the full 14 days.)  After my next cycle of chemo, he is going to give me another PET/CT (YAY! BERRY YUM!) and then if that is all good, he is going to get me geared up for radiation.  YAY!  Sigh.

I will then see a radiation oncologist, Dr. Bush.  He is the head of the radiation team there at the cancer center, so I have awesome confidence in him, but I am not sure if that means I won’t see Dr. Clark anymore.  I don’t know.  Interesting thought I just thought of.  Radiation is supposed to last anywhere from 2-3 weeks, and the original intent was to give me 3,000 rads.  Not that that has any bearing on me, I have no clue what it means, but okay.  It’s supposed to be every day during the duration, Monday - Friday.  Yay, gas!

I was talking to Terrence about it and I am somewhat nervous to start radiation.  People have told me that it will be harder on me than chemo.  I guess there is supposed to be a lot of burning of the skin, and since it is in my chest, I will get a lot of throat and esophageal pain.  Yay, throat pain!  There is supposed to be “Magic Mouthwash” though that will help.  I guess it’s like Listerine with Lidocaine in it.  Well, I hope it works, because thus far Lidocaine hasn’t done jack for me.  It’s supposed to help with the pain.  We’ll see.

The prednisone increase has actually not affected me badly at all.  I expected to be terrible, but I haven’t been.  I think I have been more mild-mannered since I’ve started the higher dose than when I was on my 14 day hiatus.  Figure that one.  It’s seemed to have gone to extreme though.  I am most not caring about anything.  Yup, just don’t care.  For example - I have an extra car out there, one that doesn’t run.  They put a boot on it today.  Oh well.  lol, really don’t care.  They’re cracking down on us at work, and yup, really just don’t care.  I am WAY in the negative in my bank account - guess what?!  Yup, just don’t care.  I’m really trying to, but somehow, I really don’t give a damn about anything.  At least I’m not angry, right?

So, I guess I will wrap it up now.  Will try to catch up on the chemo chronicles tomorrow before I have chemo again Friday.  And I will promise to at least TRY to update a little more often.  Until then, peace.

Oh, and the weight thing. Yeah. I weighed in at 168 the other day. I haven’t checked back since. Screw it. I’m just going to wear the one pair of pants I have everyday. Yay.