My Day At The Zoo…Well, ER.

Oooh, what a fun day.  My daughter had a sleep over at the YMCA last night, and needed me to pick her up this morning.  I was glad to have her back, and also very anxious to get back home and get back to sleep as I have been up since 4 AM this morning.  Ugh.

Well, I’ve mentioned the neuropathy thing in the past.  Quite a few times I know.  I think I have also mentioned that has caused me to fall the past couple weeks.  It comes out of nowhere, and my legs just turn to jello.  They just melt beneath me.  Well, I guess my neuropathy decided to kick in again this morning.  Out of nowhere, was doing JUST DANDY, when my legs gave, then I fell off the curb, then down to the asphalt.  Bad thing is, the parking lot was not nice and clean, all pitted with rocks and gravel everywhere.  Was quite bad.  I couldn’t even get up for a couple minutes.  It hurt so badly.  I just layed there on the ground unable to get up.  The “adult lady” at the Y eventually helped me up and I cried hysterically all the way home.  Read more

My Nightly Chemo Meds (Video Post)

This is a little video my daughters helped me make. I have a nightly routine of generally 11-13 pills that I have to take while on my 14-day chemo treatment. I got bored and decided to play with my crackberry and this video was born! At least it helped to ease my mood a little - I’m sorry about tonight’s earlier post - whew, that was a bad ‘roid rage session!

I’m not angry, I’m just on Prednisone. (Mad Rant)

Maybe this post will help me chill out a little bit.  I am on day…  (counting..) 11 of my 14 day chemo treatment, and I’m just grrrr.  I am so angry right now, and for no reason.  I’m fat.  I just weighed myself at 161.  My feet look like little blowfish, my pants won’t fit, my neck is sweating, I’m hungry but can’t taste anything.  I’m hungry but nothing sounds good because my stomach is so stressed out - bloating, indigestion, upset stomach, etc.  NOTHING sounds good.  The only thing that hasn’t upset my stomach in the past 3 days are fried egg sandwhiches, so I’m stuck with that.  Not that I need to be eating anyhow.

It was an absolute Monday at work - and still is, I’m on-call.  Yay.  My kids’ start school tomorrow, I haven’t chosen what I am going to do for childcare yet.  I have about 12 hrs to figure it out. Read more

Fatness With a Touch of Vinegar and Neupogen.

I am exhausted.  This has been a very, very, very, very………VERY long weekend.  I suppose it’s okay, because it has kept me away from work.  But it has been long and exhausting nonetheless…  I just hope it wasn’t a long weekend to preface an even longer week. Read more

The Best I’ve Felt In Months.

It’s a race between my fingers and my Temazepam.  I took it only seconds before I started typing this post.  Hopefully I wil get out all I have to say before it knocks me out.  I have a lot of info to cover, I think - and don’t necessarily have a specific direction this post should go, other than the fact I know I was going to update you all on everything going on right now. Read more

Fruity Pebbled Pickled Peppers and PET Scans

So I am writing from my crackberry because I’m too lazy to sit at my desktop, my laptop is so slow it’s annoying me, and I wanted to be able to write before my temazepam takes it’s last swing on me and I am out for the night. As I mentioned in last nights post, I have been way out of it the past few days. Today has been much better - but I am still in a dizzy phase. Constantly dizzy, at least it’s a fun dizzy feeling… This post is mainly to serve as a daily recap of things going on right now.

My tastebuds are pretty much nonexistent at this point. Can’t taste anything, (wow I fell asleep writing this… Good morning!) Read more

Big, Fat, Sweating Headaches…

This has been one of the longest days ever.  I guess with everything going on, I have come to appreciate long days.  I just wish they weren’t spent at work.  I have been up since 3-something in the morning.  We’re working on 19 hours or so.  I was on-call last night, and the phone started ringing early.  As I was trying to go back to sleep, I heard what I thought might be gunshots from a shotgun.  Turns out there was a S.W.A.T. Standoff in my apartment complex close to me.  It ended up being a false alarm, and a made up story by a pissed off girlfriend (yeah, she is in a lot of trouble now), and I’m still wondering where the shots would have come from.  But I started my day way early nonetheless.  I also had myself are tangled up in some sort of frenzy due to my “night sweat” last night.  I don’t know if it was or not, but either way, I will just have to make my oncologist aware of it.  Some kind wonderful people over at the Hodge Board were nice enough to tell me that some of them still have sweats or night sweats and they have had no evidence of disease in a long time.

They were also kind enough to tell me that just because I feel like I am bothering my onc, that is his job and that is what he is paid to do.  He has never given me any reason to feel like I am a bother to him - I guess it’s just my own insecurities leading me to believe that.  I just feel that I bug sometimes…But I guess that is just my job as the cancer patient, no?  If I have questions, question.  I think this prednisone is really messing with my head.  My emotions have been all over the place the last few days.  From bitchy, to depressed, to manic.  It’s almost as if I am literally on some sort of emotional roller coaster.  Literally.

I gained more weight too.  I went from about 125 in 3 weeks to tonight at 150.  I called the cancer center today, and Dr. Clark called me in a script for Dyazide.  Hopefully it will help me get rid of some of this water weight.  While I understand the need to at a healthy weight through all this, I don’t want to be bloated and full of water.

And I have a huge headache right now.  It’s raging.  I took my temazepam, so no oxycodone for me, hopefully my 3 ibuprofen will kick in…But it’s been nearly an hour and nothing.  I am off to sleep, at least lay here until I fall asleep.  I sure hope tomorrow goes much better than today.

FMLA: Forgive My Lazy Activity

 

I’m sitting here staring at the front page of my blog.  I still have so much work to do - and I keep adding things to the to do list (as do others who are critiquing the site’s progress, thank you very much) but I can’t seem to get much accomplished.  I want the site to be complete but having redone it now, I’ve lost the motivation.  I want to be able to blog as I wish and be done with it, but not have to do all the setup I still have to do. 

Lazy.  I feel lazy.  I’m not (though I know a lot of people would love to put that statement on the debate table) but I feel lazy.  The past couple years my energy and motivation levels have diminished gradually til it’s gotten to the point of almost non-existent where it is now.  This is one of the problems I had with being diagnosed.  It always seems like after someone is diagnosed with something the great decline happens all in one day and they are all the sudden sick.  Now, I know everyone declines when a disease process is going on - but I almost feel like if I hadn’t been diagnosed I would be 4 notches above where I am now.

I am starting to get the motivation back, which, the lack of motivation I always blamed on the creeping depression I was dealing with.  But the energy is still a HUGE issue for me.  Huge.  I get little bursts of energy - one minute I think I could actually go out running or hiking then 15 minutes later I am on the couch or lying in bed with not enough energy to even turn over or move to get comfortable.

I did come home from work early today.  This was the first time since I was diagnosed.  I have left work for chemo treatments and for doctor appointments, but not because I haven’t felt good.  I generally feel like crap or out of energy, but it’s nothing new and I just deal with it.  Today I took a stand.  Barring doctor appointments, surgeries and chemo I work 47.5 hours a week.  This does not include after hours on-call which is a rotating schedule - one week is two days, the next is 5 days.  The weekends I am on-call, I am on from Friday at 5pm til Monday morning at 8, when I walk into the office to work.  Yeah, I know what you’re saying - a lot of people have to do on-call, what’s the big deal?  Well, the only big deal is I’m tired with no energy, but for very good reason - I’m sick.  There, I said it.  I have been trying to keep myself from saying it too much, but I am tired of people trying to get me to act like I’m not sick.  Not like I’m trying to pull the ”sick-card” on anyone - but dammit, I am sick.  I am expected at work to “pretend” I’m not sick, look sick, act sick or feel sick.  Well, Jesus…I AM!  I am sorry I am not completely up to par - I am trying.  That goes for y’all on the homefront too.  This is hard for me.

The only reason I decided it was ok to come home today since I wasn’t feeling well is because I am half-way protected with my FMLA.  I have, again, only used my intermittent FMLA time for my appointments - well and there was the week my doctor took me off work due to the constipation (hahaha, still have to tell you that story) - but aside from that I don’t use any FMLA.  Why?  Because I am a dedicated worker, and even if I am not up to par, I still try to be at work and attempt to do my job.  So yes, today I decided to take my stand and to use the benefit that is given to me.  FMLA.  But in the meantime, you MUST Forgive My Lazy Activity.